The Best Bad Joke You Know.

[Haddez]

Like many people I know many terrible jokes and I say them all often
There are some that are so bad they become funny.

One that my friend said to me (not going to lie, I laughed at it...)

Doctor! I swallowed a roll of film!
Well lets hops nothing develops!

 

[DominiC_LT]

I really like "Black Humor", so I will translate some jokes from my country:
1. "The psychologist is asking Nick some questions:
- Tell me, how many eyes has a cat?
- Two.
- And how many ears?
- Two.
- And how much legs.
- Four.
- And how many tails?
- None.
- Huh??
- I clipped it yesterday"
2. "What did armless legless boy got for Christmas?
A Skipping Rope"

P.S. For many people it is not funny and I understand that you can't laugh about invalids, but it is hilarious.
P.S.S. If there is some mistakes, sorry.

 

[Thunderhoof]

How do you get a cat barking?
Douse her with petrol and Light her.
Wouf!

Two blind people meet each other: Hey long Time no see

Two muschrooms are standing in a forest.
Hello.
Shut up mushrooms can´t talk.

What is brown and knocks at a Window?
A baby in the oven.

 

[Lunick]

https://twitter.com/omgthatspunny

 

[MatthEverett]

Why did Sally fall of the swing?
Because she has no arms.

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Not Sally.

Amirite?

 

[DracoHouston]

the one that immediately springs to mind is mostly funny to me because of the delivery, I read it in one of stephen king's books, the 3rd book in the 'dark tower' series. the characters are on board a sentient maglev train which is threatening to throw itself off the tracks at super sonic speeds unless they can beat it in a riddle contest (...yeah, don't ask). they beat it with "why did the dead baby cross the road", the computer destroys itself trying to figure it out
'because it was stapled to the chicken'

 

[DracoHouston]

I really like "Black Humor", so I will translate some jokes from my country:
1. "The psychologist is asking Nick some questions:
- Tell me, how many eyes has a cat?
- Two.
- And how many ears?
- Two.
- And how much legs.
- Four.
- And how many tails?
- None.
- Huh??
- I clipped it yesterday"
P.S. For many people it is not funny and I understand that you can't laugh about invalids, but it is hilarious.
P.S.S. If there is some mistakes, sorry.

lol i like that one. black humour is all about the audience and delivery, like any joke really.

funny fact about jokes, there was a study done into how power works with jokes, basically what they found is that people don't usually laugh if they don't have to like you, and if they do they'll laugh at just about anything you say.

reminds me of an essay from an isaac asimov collection i have.

"The sense of humor is by no means universal among human beings, though it does cut across all cultures. I have known many people who didn't laugh, but looked at you in puzzlement or perhaps disdain if you tried to be funny. I need go no further than my father, who routinely shrugged off my cleverest sallies as unworthy of the attention of a serious man. (Fortunately, my mother laughed at all my jokes, and most uninhibitedly, or I might have grown up emotionally stunted)"

then later, as he goes on to explain how a robot wouldn't be able to handle jokes (they often rely on something surprising and illogical to work)

"But tell me, is this so different from dealing with the ordinary humourless human being? I once told my father this joke:

Mrs. Jones, the landlady, woke in the middle of the night because there were strange noises at her door. She looked out and there was Mr Robinson, one of her boarders, forcing a frightened horse up the stairs.
She shrieked "What are you doing, Mr. Robinson?"
He said, "Putting the horse in the bathroom."
"For goodness sake, why?"
"well, old Higginbotham is such a wise guy. Whatever I tell him, he answers, 'I know, I know,' in such a superior way. Well, in the morning, he'll go to the bathroom and he'll come out yelling, 'There's a horse in the bathroom.' and I'll yawn and say, 'I know, I know,'

And what was my father's response? He said, "Isaac, Isaac. You're a city boy, so you don't understand. You can't push a horse up the stairs if he doesn't want to go."

Personally, I thought that was funnier than the joke"

 

[TrainerRed]

A horse walked into a bar.
The bartender asked "Why the long face?"
The horse, not being able to comprehend English, promptly crapped on the floor and then left.

 

[DracoHouston]

If we're doing local jokes this is one by a guy called laurie fields who used to be on aussie tv. this is my favourite of his jokes

There were war games going on, soldiers from several countries were participating. An Aussie soldier gets in line to get a gun, when it gets to his turn they had run out. His sergeant gives him a stick and tells him "Don't worry mate, just use this stick, when you see someone point it at them and go 'BANGITY BANG BANG' and they'll be out!"

So off he goes, an british soldier comes out of the bushes, he points the stick and shouts BANGITY BANG BANG! and the other solider drops his gun and falls to the ground. 3 more come into view and BANGITY BANG BANG BANGITY BANG BANG BANGITY BANG BANG they were all taken out.

Things were looking great, until he spotted another soldier walking towards him. He raised his stick, BANGITY BANG BANG but the soldier just kept walking, BANGITY BANG BANG BANGITY BANG BANG but the other guy would just not go down. The other soldier finally reaches him, pushes him to the ground and walks all over him.
"Tankity tank tank."

 

[Thunderhoof]

The teacher walks in the classroom. "I´ve the biggest one" is written on the chalkboard. The teacher recognizes the dandwriting of John. "John," she said "we have to talk after class." John turns arround to his friends: " you see? Advertisement is everything"
(I hope i translated this one right...)

Mom has slaughtered the sweet bunny and prepared him for dinner. The childrens loved the bunny very much, that´s why their parents conceal the truth. The little boy eats with a lot of apetite and asks his dad what they were eating. His father smiled and said: I give you a hint. Sometimes Mom calls me so. The little Daughter gasped and screamedon´t eat it it´s an asshole!!!"
(My english skills are terrible this morning )

 

[jastag]

Two Muffins are in the oven.
Muffin 1: Wow it's hot in here.
Muffin 2: OMG a talking muffin!

 

[iAmar]

this is a Dutch joke, it's a very bad one,that's why i'm putting it here.
Why is a car not a bus?
cuz it has 4 wheels.

 

[Lilligant]

I got a good one.

A guy walks into a bar and sees a jar full of money on the counter, so he asks the bar tender what it was for.
The bar tender said "If you can make the donkey in the next room laugh, I'll give you this jar of cash"

So the guy walks in and a minute later, he walks out, the donkey behind him, rolling on the floor, laughing. The bar tender tried to ask him how he did it, but he had already left.

A week later, the same guy walked into the same bar and saw another jar of money on the counter. He asks the same bar tender what it was for. The bar tender replied. "If you can make the donkey in the next room cry, i'll give you this jar of cash"

So the guy walks in and a minute later he walks out, the donkey behind him, balling his eyes out. Before the guy could leave, the bartender asked him how he did it. The guy replied "I told him my dick was bigger than his, he laughed, then I showed him".

 

[Dubstep]

A man walks into a bookstore. He goes up to one of the clerks and says, "I've really wanted to read this book... Do you guys have it? It's called 'The Tiger's Revenge."

The clerk looks it up on the computer and bursts out laughing. "I'm sorry," he says, "It's just that the author of the book is named 'Claude Nutz'."

 

[Lilligant]

What are the similarities between McDonalds and Australia?

There both run by red headed clowns!